He didn't come

He didn't show up. We were supposed to walk. I waited around for an hour and he never came. We even talked about it today. We planned it on Saturday and he was totally for it. Even tonight he was ready, but he never showed :( how could he just not show up?! He is my Chris! it was an official hang out and he didn't come. I feel like crying it just hasn't come out yet. There is still the small hope he might show up. Even tho I told my mom we weren't going because he couldn't, I couldn't dare show my emotions and feelings towards him and how much it hurt me that he didn't even text me to say he wasn't coming. That's it the tears are coming

Awkward!

Ok so today my mom asked me to come into her room for a short chat. She had been reading a book and I guess the boy in the book cut him self and he did it in more than one area. So she learned that people don't just cut in one area of the body and that the prominently cut on their thighs, butts, and stomachs. She then asked me if I cut on more areas than just my arms. I just laughed and said maybe. Then she commented about how I should make an appointment with my therapist. But I was like no that won't do anything.I also told her that I do it more out of addiction than out of self loathing. Which isn't exactly true so whatever, she dosen't need to know everything about my cutting. She has no freaking idea how much I cut and she never will.

i think i broke my heart today

so a few weeks ago we found out that i was going to be an aunt, and the entire family was super happy but not allowed to tell anyone just in case. but mom didn't remember that and she told like half the family. well today we got a call saying that they lost the baby. and when i found out my heart just sank. i have has a horrible pain in my chest since, and it wont go away. i cant even talk to them because what do you say to someone who just lost their first baby? its just heart breaking. they were so excited and were still to scared to tell anyone.

Oh my god, i cant stand my mom! she has been a total bitch. she complains that i never contribute to anything which i don't understand, because i pay bills every other month. and she is the one who shops constantly. oh and not to mention that she thinks that i need a new job with more hours, when i work way more than 40 hours a week, just because i only have a "constant" job on Saturdays. AND she loves to pick at every one of my flaws, it drives me insane!
today i find out that she told some woman that i would stay with her children while she is gone for three days, and i guess it happened a few days ago. now i have to even though my plate is way too full already. she drives me freakin crazy! she thinks that just because i helped out in the special ed classes for 3 years that i would consider helping with 3 autistic kids by myself for 3 days! she is freakin crazy!i hate her! she honestly has no idea how much i hate her, i mean what the hell! I hate how she never consults with us about anything! she just thinks that we are useless and that she can find new things for us to do even though we are too busy as it is, and i need my freaking days off! she cant just decide that i have to to things! i am 21 years old for gods sake!

Again... it happened again.

I cut again for the first time in a few weeks. I needed it. It would have happened sooner of later, I knew I wouldn't stop. So now there r 5 fresh cuts on my body and it feels awesome! Weird I know, but I crave pain in a strange way.

The Boyfriend List

The list is:
* Johnny S
* Sean B
* Jesse R
* Jake W
* Cory H
* Marcus J
* Steven P
* Kyle M
* MacDonald F
* Justin B
* Matt W
* Andrew R
* Chris B
* Dane P
* Caleb G
* Zach S
* Benjamin G
* Seth M
* Ryan R
* Ryan B
* Neil L
* Brandon M


Others were thought of, but the more I thought of it, they didnt fit the issue

Heart

Here I sit not knowing what to think. Not knowing what is wrong with me. Yes there is the knowledge of the past, but still no idea of what is going on now. With the newer pains and possibilities. Anxiety builds up and pains arrives. The kind of pain that makes you want to scream. Trying not to wig out, I pop a pill to feel ok. Lets just hope it works.

A list of kids Names I have chosen.

This is a list of my choice of kids names. I don't have any, and I am not pregnant, but still..
Phineus-B
Nolan -B
Phorque-B/G
Zeus-B
Bronson -B/G
Evolet -G
Taiga -G
Angus-Cole -B/G
Sloane - G
Vance - B
Zathan - B
Elodie -G
Declan - B
Khile -G
Thackery -B
Wray -B
Wesliegh -B/G
Rafe -B
Persephone -G
Griffin -B/G
Arnon -B

I had a bad week

My life seems to be spiraling deep into a depression again. And I have been cutting constantly. The after effects of the cuts hurt more than the actual making of them.

Amber

Ugh, if she is what friends r like, i dont want any. She is soposedly pissed at me because I am not interesting enough. And plus the fact that she knows that I don't like talking about her ex boyfriend, and how she is gonna get back with him even tho she knows she shouldn't. It pisses me off. Not to mention the fact that she is always way too depressed for me to be around her, and I can't take that much stress right now. And then, today while I was sitting next to my sis, amber starte messeging her about how she was removing me from her myfaves because I am not worth talking to, and that she was gonna replace me with her ex, she is an idiot. She just needs to stop waiting for her life to start, it started when she got pregnant at 16 and needs to come to terms with the fact that maybe she isn't soposed to have a guy in her life right now so she can get her crap together and actuaslly become a good mom. I mean its not that hard, she knew what she was getting herself into when she was having sex, and having 2 kids you would think, would help her realise what her life was about.I need her to realise that she doesn't need a man to make her happy, she needs to accept her life, and move one, stop waiting for life to start when hers started a long time ago. Its rediculous. UGH!

Hell

Well life is lame. I have men in my life who act like they don't want to be. They enter into my life few weeks at a time, then out of no where they disappear. Guys suck right now, ugh

People in my life

People bug me. Well, not just any people, people in my life. I am caught between a rock and a hard place. Friends who date, then breakup. There is a separation and you have to decide who gets who. When you belong to one friend and have been told not to see the other person. And even though you have said you haven't, you still have a small connection. And never mention to so called party number 1 anything that involves party number 2. It makes me sad that I can't say anything about anything about anyone.2 its just hard

Sick

Ugh, summertime makes me sick... literally. Every summer I get the flu. I haven't got it yet, but I have been sick for the last few days. With a stuffy nose and a head ache and congestion. I can't stop sneezing and it is driving me crazy. There is always a tickle and its insane.

No Stank You

He's back

As of the 25th, he is back in my life. It began from a random text from a number I didn't know, and it turned out to be him. Sinse then, we have used about 350 text. I don't know what it is with him, but as much as I have hated him, he makes me smile, and even happy. I think its because he was the first person I honestly fell for. For as long as I have known him he has given me butterflies in my stomach and almost always makes me giggle. Its just what he does to me. I know he is the one I fell for, and honestly fell for. Which is odd for people because we haven't even dated... let alone make out. Hell we have been friends for around 5 years and our lips have never even touched. What a relationship

Sleep

Sleep hasn't been so easy for me lately. I can hardly fall asleep at night, then can't stay asleep. It just makes me soo tired, but never tired enough to sleep. I just wish I could find a way to sleep. Sleep is my friend, I love sleep :)

Dad!

Omg my dad is such a bigget! So we went to teriyaki town tonight for dinner, and it is run by koreans and mexicans. And I was totally embarassed to be with him. He had to go to the bathroom but there wasn't any toilet paper. So he went to the front counter not thinking the woman knew much english and was like " is there someone who works here that speaks english?" I was like OMG! And when he got back from the bath room he was laughing about it and telling us about it even though the entire place heard him. Plus he went on about a bunch of other things that shouldn't have been said. I mean he might as well have called the "wetbacks" he is suck and embarassment to be around cause he is always judging people by the language they speak. I was like " dad they work here...of course they know some english, they were just talking to you!" So in the end, its well known I think my father is an idiot and I am embarassed to be his daughter

Friends

Ok so here's my problem. I babysit for a friend almost every tuesady. And the thing is that we haven't really been friends since she got pregnant. I just haven't been gutsy enough to tell her I don't really feel like we are friends. We have nothing in common with eachother anymore, and to me it seems like she is only my friend so she can use me as a babysitter. She bugs the hell out of me and assumes I want to spent the entire day with her instead of living my life the way I want. She is always signing me up to do things with her, and I am sick of it. Everytime I come up with an excuse not to hang out she comes up with a way around it, and I can't think of another way out. Every week I get sick trying to tell her a way out of it. But never, I never get out of it.I just don't have the heart to tell her I want to end our friendship.

Dad

Ugh I honestly can't stand dad today. Everything he does makes me want to rip his head off.I know its just me and my isues, but really. He is always pointing out the obvious and doesn't listen to a word I say. I don't know what to do about either, cause even when I was in therapy it didn't help me get over my hatred towards him. I don't know why it goes on. Its kinds annoying.

Shoulders on fire

So today I chose a new spot for cutting. I added 43 new cuts combined . I only did it in a spot where most of my sleeves will cover it. It just hurts, but in a good way

Lately...

Life has been a bad trip. I haven't been taking my med like I should be. Mainly because I never remember to take them. I haven't cut or anything, I have just been really emotional and crazy. Not cool fatal attraction crazy, but crazy crazy. Like I see things. Not like dead people or anything. I see bugs. I see them everywhere, and it don't really announce that I see them, but lately its kinda been bad these days with me seeing real bugs. Now its hard for me to know if they are the real ones or not. I even had a spider crawl on me the other day, and I wigged out! I guess I am just crazy.

Another bad day in my body.

I need help again but know it can't happen because we can't afford it. I hate geting poor. Why can't life be different? Why can't I have a family who doesn't yell at me all the time? Why can't I have a brother who loves me? why can't I be smarter? Skinnier? Self confidential? Happy? Healthy? I wish it would just end. When is the light gonna shine? When will I be happy again? Truly happy. Probably never. And that's why life sucks. I hate it, I hate my family, I hate my friends. How can you take a life without destroying a world? How can you make someone so happy that they can love you for you? How do you find someone to do that? What do do you have to do to get someone to love you forever? How do you get them to accept you for who you are with all your habits and scars and mental issues? This I may never know.

Life its not just a cereal

Body:
1) What's a fact about the last person you were on the phone with? She's my momma
2) Do you ever turn your cell phone off? never, unless its dead.
3) What happened at 10:00 am today? sleep :) I love sleep
4) When did you last cry? Like last week I think, I randomly get emotional
5) What is your favorite thing to eat?um... I would say orange chicken from panda express.
6) What do you want in your life right now? The man of my dreams. He is perfect in my eyes, no matter what people say.
7) Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood? if i have a hood I will wear it
8) Do you wear Crocs? not really, that's ashley's thing
9) What do you smell like? Pink and shampoo
10) What's your favorite Gatorade flavor? I would have to say glacier blue
11) Whats your favorite thing to have on your bed? Pillows, lots of them
12) What's the nicest text in your inbox say? I love you!
13) Do you tend to make relationships complicated? no I don't think so
14) Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone? No
15) What was the last movie you went to see? Street kings. Mmm keanu :)
16) Do you have Justin Timberlake music on your iPod? Like two songs yes
17) Do you like your hair? Some days
18) Can you sleep in jeans? yeah
19) Are you a cuddler? most definitely, I love it
20) Something you just don't understand? life in general
21) Where were you on July 4th, 2007? Wow, not too sure on that
22) What's something interesting that happened to you today? Woke up around 1 30
23) What's the last concert you went to? Three Days Grace. They rock my world!
24) Who was the last person you talked to on instant messegner? Chris
25) What is the last thing you bought someone? Mothers day card for mom
27) Do you trust people easily? No, I have trust issues
28) Do you say "dawg"? Lol heck no
29) What are you proud of? Nothing I can think of
30) Have you ever dated someone named Derrick? No
31) Who was last to cook for you? Someone at frankies. :)
32) When you sleep do you dream about heroin addictions? i have weirdly enough
33) Do you care what others think about you? to an extent
34) Do you think you'll be married in 10 years? happily married hopefully.
35) Will you ever hug the last person you hugged again? yes, they are family
36) What do you look forward to in the next 3 months? Ash come home!

RIP

Its sad when people you know, became people you knew... And when you can walk right past someone that at one point in your life was a big part of your life... And how you used to be able to talk to them for hours about the little nothings in life... and now you can barely look at them.... It's funny how many people have posted this. Guess we're all in the same boat, missing someone.. be honest...if you really miss someone, a friend, a lover, or a family member right now...& can't get them off your mind.

The future

Today I started thinking about my scars and my body. Thinking about how I will explain it to my husband, how much I hate my body. How addicted I am to blades, blood and pain. My weird addiction I have for pain. Not too much pain, but just the joy it brings. If that makes sense. I enjoy bringing a weird sense of pain on myself. Whether it is burning cutting or even picking at scabs as sick as that sounds. And then I start to think, how will I talk to my kids about it? But still I do it anyway.

Well this sucks

So I have ben writing my novel for almost two years now, and somehow I have lost the latest full version on a disk somewhere. Strangely enought, I found the beginning part on one computer, and another part on another computer. What sucks is that I am missing one important chapter and can't complete the story without it. And of course I don't have the rought copy either so I am stuck until it is found. Lame.

Again I go

I cut today, haven't done it in months. oh well, it needed to be done

Days of pain

It has been exactly one week since I broke my tailbone, and it still hurts. Sitting hurts, sleeping hurts, and I am always tired, so I never want to do anything. Nothing ever made it feel better, and it has been driving me crazy.

It just hurts

Well yesterday while babysitting, i fell down a flight me stairs on my butt. It hurt so bad, i just knew it was broken. So today i went online and read a few sites about broken tailbones. And from what it said, i know that i had broken mine. It also said that it takes at least 6 weeks to heal. That is gonna suck :p its freakin painful, when it happened, i didn't know whether to cry or scream. So i laughed hysterically. Still when it hurts the only thing i can do is laugh. It hurts to move, shift, sit, stand, laydown. Yay for my first broken bone, too bad it had to be my butt.

Snow

Moments after the previous pic, you cant see the mountain

Ashley

Ugh ashley is getting on my nerves just about as much as amber is. They call eachother all the time, always texting, and when we are at her house they never pay attention to me. Its like i don't exist in the relationship. It's rediculous.

Amber

Wow i know amber is my best friend, but there are so many things that i cant stand about her. Like the way she mocks me and ash for not, oh i dont know, for not being sexualy active. And she acts like we know nothing about anything sexual. I mean, sure we are way different than her, but it doesnt mean she has to treat us like we are innocent. And then there is the thing where she chooses our emotions for us and pretends that she knows what and how we are feeling. It pisses me off. Plus she doesn't ever pay attention to me, its like ash is her new best friend. And they wonder why i never want to go to here house. I mean you wouldn't want to either if they ignored you like they ignore me. It is so freakin annoying. It almost makes me hate her.

FW:Hell of a day

Wow well today was a strange day. I had the urge to kill myself the moment i woke up. It was interesting, not to mention i found out that the guy i have been talking to online is an ass. Chris hasn't been talking to me that much.

SIAD

Hey Readers, March First is coming up quick, and you may or maynot know this, but March 1st Is Self-Injury Awarness Day, and As a SI person, I am gonna post the web site for those with questions. www.lifesigns.org.uk/siad/

Terriyaki Town

Dinner with amber the kids, ash and laura for eli's birthday party dinner

Happy birthday weeze

Eli before her big Birthday Party! Yay for being 1 year old!

Nintendo ds

Ashley's frustration while playing mario on the ds was hilarious. After hours of playing time she finally made it to world 2. Lol owned

Worry and pain

Sometimes i worry too much about the things that could happen instead of the things that are likely to happen. Like getting close to someone just scares me because of the fact that i could get hurt but dont trust myself enough, or other people enough to actually get hurt in the first place. Thats what bothers the people around me. I cant open my heart enough to let someone in. I need to find a way out of this problem

Tattoo design

I drew this flower on my friends back just for fun

I cut for the first time in months

Fairies

I have found a new form of art that i can work at, and it is drawing fairies. I have drawn 5 sosafr, and each one is getting better

Lack of Meds

So depression is shining through these days due to the fact that I have been lazy with taking the pills. I have been going through old journals and have been remembering why I hated my life so much, and comparing it to how much I hate it now. and I must say there arent very many differences.

The New Addition

this is the newest addition to my body. It only took about an hour, and Its one of my own drawings!

Diary of a bad day

Bad days lead to sad days. these are just a few of my scars

hell of a life

I hate myself today. Im not the girl i want to be. Life seems its gonna go your way, but then it just turns you down. Having faith in things doesnt help either. you can believe one thing and in just seconts your world can be smashed. Like mine. If there was a chance i had something to live for, now i have nothing. Atleast at this moment. From here on out, i live expecting to die. People say to have a heart full of hope, but what if there is no room for hope, no room for love? there is just hate, rage, lonliness, fear...Death? is it wrong to wish death on ones self? People dont understand, they believe they do, and even if you believe they do, they dont know. there are things even my theropist doesnt know about my life. Things i will keep inside till the day i die, whenever that may be. People are there to make you realize how much you hate your life. and i will tell you this... its working. I put my trust in soemone, and i only ended up hating myself even more, He only brought me more pain, more suffering, along with the promise of me never feeling pain agian. well forget you guys, forget everyone. I hate you.

Hurting others

Life Isnt What you expect it to be. I have problems with that. Not with others, just with me. I say what i feel at the time and sometimes that hurts people. I speak my mind, i dont mean to hurt anyone but sometimes that is how things get across. I am sorry if i have hurt anyone but not sorry for speaking out. I have trust issues and sometimes that will push people away. Yeah i know it sucks.

new Post 1

I never want to hurt anyone, i just end up doing it. my heart is a graveyard, with a sharp metal fence around it. locked up tight without a key.

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Adventures of Honda Boy and White Girl

The other day, I went on to a chat site as a joke, and a guy added me. We talked for a few hours, and then he asked me if i wanted to hang out some time. so i said sure. but not thinking he was serious. so i came up wth an excuse not to go. but then later that day felt bad for lying. SO i went on line, and to no surprise he was too. My family had left for the night, and it was just my dad and i at home. So i opened messenger, and talked to him just to see what he was doing that night.
And after a while we decided that we should go see a movie, we decided which one, and he came and picked me up. But not before an awkward moment with my dad trying to get to know him. I couldnt even tell him cause i didnt know much aobut him. But yeah. we got to the theatre and decided to see HP5 tho we both had seen it.
So to make the story shorter, i will get to the chase. a few minutes into the movie, he asked if he could kiss me. but i told him no. so he said that it was ok, and that i could trust him. because i told him i have trust issues. but then he continued to ask me, and attempt to kiss me. till finally he got his arm around me and kinda brought me closer to him. and thats when he kissed me. it was totally awkward.and to make a story even shorter, we ended up making out for about half the movie. and then in the car too, along with a little more. until i demanded he take me home.

but that wasnt the point of the story. the point was that he wasnt even a good kisser, and yet i continued to kiss him. i mainly kissed him so he would shut up, because he isnt that interesting of a person. and the weird thing is that i feel he was only telling me things because he wanted me to trust him, even tho i knew in side i couldnt. even not, a few days later, i become nauseauos just thinking about that night. ugh....
He isnt a bad person, he just says those lines that all guys say that you know you cant trust. and i guess thats what scares me. I have been burned so manytimes, that i dont want to get close to anyone. as lame as that is.

Reasons To Hate My Life

Reasons To Hate my Life

1. I Never Have Energy
2. Not Confident
3.The Family never remembers my birthday
4. Wish I could talk to someone
5. My Constant Sadness
6. Even Friends Dont Talk To Me
7. I Hate The Way I Live My Life
8. Cant Speak My Mind To People I Know
9. I Wont Get Into Any Colleges
10. I Have Scars Inside And Out
11. There Are Few Emotions Left Inside Me
12. I Sleep Too Much Too Often
13. If I Die, How Will It Effect People? Val? My Family?
14. My Ambitians Are Rediculous
15. I Cant Feel Pain
16. I Look At Things And Think Of Ways To Hurt Myself With Them
17. I Take Things And Never Feel Bad About It
18. My Family Is Poor
19. Unattractive
20. My Sister Hates Me
21. My Life Is A Burden
22. People Dont Keep My Secrets
23. The Past Has Lead To My Trust Issues
24. I Know I Wont Fullfill My Dreams
25. No One Really Seems To Care About Me Od My Problems
26. No One Accepts Me For Who I Am
27. I Have Lost All Motivation To Do Things
28. I Hate My Dad, I Cant Tell Him I love Him Because I Dont29. Not Only Am I Lazy, But People Think I Am Too
30. I Dont Like Being With Other People31. I Dye My Hair To Appear As Though I Am More Pale
32. When I Am Stressed Or Aggrivated, my Body Hurts And The Only Way To Get Rid Of That Pain Is To Cut
33. I Have No Real Friends
34. Cant Even Use My Body To Get Things
35. No One Understands Me
36. Unappealing
37. All My "Friends" Moved Away
38. I Have No Motivation
39. I Want To DIE
40. I Lie About Scars, Cuts And Burns
41. I Dont Know If I Truely Believe
42. Unfulfilled
43. No Friends At School
44. I Could Over Dose At Any Time
45. People Keep Trying To Kill Me
46. The Fact That I Carry So Many Lighters
47. Not Very Pretty
48. I Want To Die Before Christmas
49. Molestation
50. My Bones Actually Itch
51. Im Fat
52. People Dont Understand My Art
53. I Am Always Too Lazy To Do Anything
54. No Real Talent
55. My Job Sucks
56. Dad Doesn't Like My Art and Mom Doesnt Understand It
57. Pain
58. I Am Never Happy
59. SAM Spelled Backwards Is MAS, MAS Means HUGE, HUGE = FAT
60. Scared Of Being Close To People (Men)
61. People Don't Take Me Serious
62. I Have No Real Control Over Myself
63. My Parents Never Pushed Me To Do Things
64. If I Disappeared, Who Would Care Or Even Notice
65. Not Much Of A Testimony
66. Scared Of Being Judged
67. Fear Of Things
68. My Father Thinks I Am Demented
69. I Cry
70. I Love The Feeling Of A Blade Running Across My Skin
71. I Have Lost The Urge To Smile
72. When I Want To Say Things, I Cant Get Up The Guts To Say Them
73. I Dont Care About Anything74. Life Is Over Rated
75. I Refuse To See My Heart Doctors
76. I Wont Clean My Room Because I Dont Want People To Be Able to Come In And Go Through My Things
77. Each Day Death Comes Closer, Just Not Quick Enough
78. Motivated To Kill Myself But Not Willing To Take The Time
79. Didnt Graduate On Time
80. My Brother Doesnt Love Me
81. Talking On The Phone Is Not My Specialty
82. People I Get Close To Leave For One Reason Or Another
83. Suck At School
84. Life
85. Never Know How To Express Myself
86. People Hate Me Because Im Fat
87. My Sister Sees Me As A Burden
88. I Cut As A Way To Control Something In My Life
89. I Can Sit For Hours Without Thinking
90. When I See My Sister Grab Knives While Doing The Dishes, I Imagine Her Cutting Her Hands, And I Giggle.
91. I Hate That I Am A Burden To Others
92. I Am Not Motivated To Pick Up The Phone When Someone Calls
93. Not Very Creative
94. No Real Thoughts
95. I Dont Feel Pain
96. I Doesnt Hurt To Burn
97. I Suck At Reading
98. Doesnt Look Like Fate Has Very Much Planned Out For Me
99. I Know I Have No Real Future
100. I Take Things For Granted
101. Havent Had A Feal Boyfriend Since 7th Grade
102. The Fact That I Am Not Comfortable In My Own Skin
103. My Handwriting Sucks And I Cant Spell
104. I Dissappoint My Parents
105. I Have Trust Issues
106. I Have Very Little Faith
107. Scared To Live My Life
108. I Am Not A Very Nice Person
109. I Cant Tell People About My Chest Pains Because They Will Want Me To See My Cardiologist
110. Idiot!
111. I Cant Speak My Mind
112. I Am Never Focused On Anything
113. I Never Want To Do Anything
114. I Lie To Get Out Of Things
115. I Dont Have A Lisence
116. Burning Myself Doesnt Hurt Anymore
117. People Have Given Up On Me
118. I Spend Too Much Money On Crap
119. People Hate Me
120. I Dont Sleep At Night
121. I Wont Do It Because I Don’t Want To Disappoint Anyone
122. Chest Is In Constant Pain
123. People Lie
124. Guys never follow through with their promises