Aug 24, 2010

i have lost nothing

i couldnt do it. i paniced. he didnt say he was upset but i could tell. only i havent heard from him since then. yet im strangly not hurt my him ignoring me

Aug 23, 2010

Chance

So I may or may not lose my virginity tomorrow. He asked if I wanted to come over and hang out after work. I said yes. And this time I plan on actually hanging out, not flaking out. I have thought about it at great lengths, and I realize that as much as I want this I know that I may also freak out after. I may like myself better, I may hate myself, I may cry, I may ignore the world. There are a billion outcomes built up inside me ready to show their freakish heads.

Aug 10, 2010

Contemplation

Sitting contemplating life today. Not in a suicidal way but in a what have I truly done with my life kind of way. Here I sit 22 soon to be 23 and where am I headed? I live with my parents rent free but that's because I pay bills for them. I have had a constant job for 11 months now and may not have a job by the end of the month if I do not finish my requirements. Let it be known they were supposed to be done within the first six months of me working here but my boss is kinda flexible. So now I'm cramming in 20hrs of online classes which so far has taken me 15 hrs to do half. And I have to have the rest done by thursday. So on top of cramming that in needing my food handlers permit by the 19th and my boss harping on me constantly.. Because of me freaking out. I am also lacking on my church calling. I have been so stressed about losing my job I'm letting other things fall to the wayside. I'm freaking out. And on top of everything I'm single not for the lack of trying. I haven't had a serious relationship in forever and even when I did I wasn't as into it as the guys have been. I have serious issues in that department. I'm a virgin. Yes I have had a few different sexual encounters but nothing life changing. And none of these encounters have been with guys I actually felt something for, they were guys it was convenient to be with as sad as it is. And yes I have. List of 2 or 3 guys I would be willing to lose the big V to but those choices are unrealistic considering we are "friend zone" friends. The kind of friend where there is a spark every once and a while but neither of us has enough balls to do anything about it. Im a fucking pansie when it comes to love or even affectiong.

Aug 8, 2010

dreaming

Last night I dreamed I was dead. Wanna know the best part? You were inside my heaven.

Aug 7, 2010

talked with J last night for 3 hours on instant messenger. i hate that he lives like 3hours away, we pretty much will never get to hang out which sucks because he is amazing and about as self conscious as i am if not more.

Aug 1, 2010

Im Home!

after a week and a half of vacation away from my family i am home and in a way i am happy but in another way i wish i had done more